I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
