i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
