Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
