Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
