I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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