maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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