I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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