Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
