The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
