how can u be prego again
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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