I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
