I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
