I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
