I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
