I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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