Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
