I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
