Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
