Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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