Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
