My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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