Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
