nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
