You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
