he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
