I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
