If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
