Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
