I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
