Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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