i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
