I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
