You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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