if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
