How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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