if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
