It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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