I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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