We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
