There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
