TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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