he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just blew my weed a kiss
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
