He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
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I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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