I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
