and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
