Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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