I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize