...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
