Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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