I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
