I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
