walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.