xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
