She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
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Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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