I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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