i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
