If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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